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In love with a man

I'm in love with a man who not only has stuck with me, even though I took off across the country for 3 weeks, but has talked to me every single day since I left. He loves me and I have total faith in that. For the first time ever, going away was hard because I didn't want to leave him... not because I was worried he would cheat while I was gone. I've never had that, that kind of trust in a man. To top it off, he went out and got me some surprise for when I get home. Has any man ever done that for me? Has any man ever taken the initiative and gone out and got something, without me having to tell him about something I want and practically getting it for myself?

After having been with Darin for as long as I had, I'm still trying to get over the brainwashing. It's a strange thing, I never thought I believed what he said but it looks like I did. He always made me feel like I deserved to be treated like shit... and it's very difficult to be with Richard and be treated amazingly well. I know intellectually that I deserve all the love in the world and to be treated well... but when it comes down to it, I question it. Darin always told me that I wouldn't ever find a man who would treat me as well as he did. He was half right. I went and found myself a man that treats me so much better than he could ever dream. A man that thinks of me at random times and never fails to show his love.

But now I'm in a shitty position... and he'll apologize until the cows come home, even though it's not his fault. We missed Valentine's Day together. I was here, he was there. So I wanted to make sure I got him something special that I could give him when I get home (TOMORROW!!! YAY!!), especially since he has some form of a surprise for me. Here's what I did... when I was in West Virginia with Dougie, I made him go to a mall for me so I could pick up a game that Richard has been talking about wanting for quite some time. Bought the thing and kept it to myself since I wanted it to be a surprise. The dork goes out and buys it for himself 2 days ago. *sigh* Probably the same damn day I bought it. Typical of my luck. So anyway, now I have to try to return it today and pull something out of my ass to get him before tomorrow. Not because I have to, but because I want to. I love him and I want to show him that.

So I asked him for ideas on what he wants. He has plenty of ideas but apparently me coming home tomorrow is gift enough for him. *sigh* That kind of defeats the purpose... I'll have to do something but it might not get done before tomorrow. This is what he said to me... "The thing I want most is coming home tomorrow, and I can't wait to see
her." How the fuck do I argue with something like that? And is it sad that I cried when I read that? Many men have said stuff like that to me but he's the first that means it. *sigh* I'm trying not to count down the hours until I'm with him again... and it is down to hours now. I can't wait. I miss him so fucking much. The man has my heart... and I suppose there's no topping that. But damned if I'm not going to try anyway.

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October 2010
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