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I made it home safe and sound, obviously. It was a long long day... mostly because I was leaving at 5pm, east coast time and getting back to Bend at 1am... I had been going to bed around 10:30 or so while I was at my aunts. So needless to say, it was late for me. But of course I stayed up with Richard until... what was it... 4am or so? Totally worth it, I must say. And it was so nice to be back with him and have him in my bed. :)

Richard and my mother met me at the airport. Richard standing there with orange lilies... such a sweet man. Before I left he asked me what my favorite flower was, I thought about it for probably the first time ever and came up with the Tiger Lily. Seeing as they're out of season, he couldn't get those for me and instead bought me the gorgeous orange lilies. A man that actually got me something that's not a rose, thank god. :)

He also gave me the surprise that's been killing me for the past two weeks or so. :) A very pretty rose quartz heart. It's a translucent pink and so pretty. What he didn't know when he bought it is how much it would mean to me. I have always had a strange attraction to stones... and hearts. Rose quartz and hematite have always been my favorite stones... and I went through a phase where I wouldn't go anywhere without one. So needless to say, he did good. :)

Not to mention that in Wicca rose quartz is a soothing stone. It's said to promote balance and healing. It's supposed to help with the release of negative energies. Something I could use right about now. He may not have known that but I do. :) I'm not so much into Wicca anymore but I do believe that there are special qualities to things in nature. Rocks, stones and gems being a natural thing (most of the time) I think there's something to it. But besides all of that, it was a very sweet surprise. And it shows that he loves me. I've never had that before and it makes me all the happier to be with him.

I love him so much. :)

So now I just need to get over the jet lag, which is hitting me hella hard. It wasn't bad going to the east coast... but coming back? Oh my god. It's taking longer than I thought to kick it. And now my whole body is all stiff and sore. Now there's one possible reason for that but we're not going to get into that... hopefully it'll get better soon so I can truly enough being back in my baby's arms. :)

In love with a man

I'm in love with a man who not only has stuck with me, even though I took off across the country for 3 weeks, but has talked to me every single day since I left. He loves me and I have total faith in that. For the first time ever, going away was hard because I didn't want to leave him... not because I was worried he would cheat while I was gone. I've never had that, that kind of trust in a man. To top it off, he went out and got me some surprise for when I get home. Has any man ever done that for me? Has any man ever taken the initiative and gone out and got something, without me having to tell him about something I want and practically getting it for myself?

After having been with Darin for as long as I had, I'm still trying to get over the brainwashing. It's a strange thing, I never thought I believed what he said but it looks like I did. He always made me feel like I deserved to be treated like shit... and it's very difficult to be with Richard and be treated amazingly well. I know intellectually that I deserve all the love in the world and to be treated well... but when it comes down to it, I question it. Darin always told me that I wouldn't ever find a man who would treat me as well as he did. He was half right. I went and found myself a man that treats me so much better than he could ever dream. A man that thinks of me at random times and never fails to show his love.

But now I'm in a shitty position... and he'll apologize until the cows come home, even though it's not his fault. We missed Valentine's Day together. I was here, he was there. So I wanted to make sure I got him something special that I could give him when I get home (TOMORROW!!! YAY!!), especially since he has some form of a surprise for me. Here's what I did... when I was in West Virginia with Dougie, I made him go to a mall for me so I could pick up a game that Richard has been talking about wanting for quite some time. Bought the thing and kept it to myself since I wanted it to be a surprise. The dork goes out and buys it for himself 2 days ago. *sigh* Probably the same damn day I bought it. Typical of my luck. So anyway, now I have to try to return it today and pull something out of my ass to get him before tomorrow. Not because I have to, but because I want to. I love him and I want to show him that.

So I asked him for ideas on what he wants. He has plenty of ideas but apparently me coming home tomorrow is gift enough for him. *sigh* That kind of defeats the purpose... I'll have to do something but it might not get done before tomorrow. This is what he said to me... "The thing I want most is coming home tomorrow, and I can't wait to see
her." How the fuck do I argue with something like that? And is it sad that I cried when I read that? Many men have said stuff like that to me but he's the first that means it. *sigh* I'm trying not to count down the hours until I'm with him again... and it is down to hours now. I can't wait. I miss him so fucking much. The man has my heart... and I suppose there's no topping that. But damned if I'm not going to try anyway.

My trip... part 2?

I spent this evening with my Aunt Beth... I love her to death, I really do. So tonight was fun... girl talk. Chris and Beth are an awful lot alike, maybe that's why I'm so drawn to being with both of them. So anyway, we had our girly talk about men, relationships, sex... all the fun stuff. In the meantime she got absolutely trashed. She drank a whole (rather large) bottle of White Zinfandel. Now I know I'm a lightweight but that seems like a hell of a lot of alcohol to me. By the end of the night she could hardly speak correctly. But it was fun anyway.

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So now for the really good stuff! :) Richard. I love the kid, I really do. I have so many reasons for it... he makes me so happy and makes such an effort to do that for me. He's the sweetest man I've ever dated and I have zero doubt that he means every thing he says to me. He loves me, he really loves me! lol I can't wait to be back with him. I sleep either with or in his shirt every single night... it's a far cry from falling asleep in his arms but it's as close as I'm going to get for right now. But I can honestly say that I've never missed someone quite as much as I miss him.

I'm thinking about doing something new with my hair. I'm definitely going to get it cut while I'm here with my aunt... I'm pretty sure I know what cut I'm getting but boy would I kill for a professional hair stylist as a friend! I could use the advice. But I'm thinking I'm going to get it cut and dye it. I haven't decided if I really want to spend the money to get it professionally dyed or have my aunt do it. I don't really have the extra $100 it would take to go in and have it done but I really want and need a change. I think I want my hair a really dark red with black highlights... but I'm not sure that's something my aunt can do. Maybe I'll just get a hot new cut and just dye it the way I had it before Darin. I liked it like that. Or hey! Maybe DJ can help me... he probably knows more than most men about hairstyles. Wouldn't hurt to ask, come to think of it.

Oh, did I mention he's picking me up on Wednesday? Yeppers. And I'll probably spend a couple of days with him... all the way out in West Virginia. lol I'm looking forward to it. I love him to death and it kills me that we live so far apart. Especially since he's usually a blast to hang out with... especially since I desperately want him to meet Richard and see what he thinks of him and vice versa. It's gonna be a fun time (I hope! Although nothing else about this trip has turned out the way I've wanted it to, why should this?) and it'll help this last week go by faster. The faster it goes by, the faster I'll be back with my love. :)

That's my life at the moment. Not terribly exciting but you know what? I'm happy. Especially now that I'm about a week away from being at home... where I'll be really happy. :)

Read please.

Anyone wanna get a postcard from me here on the East Coast? Send me a message or an email with your address and I'll send one out for ya. :) I love getting postcards so I'd like to send some out so you all can return the favor. :)

Feb. 3rd, 2009

So here I am, back in Maryland... or rather Delaware to be specific, seeing as that's where Laura lives now. It's so trippy to be back in MD and see everything in the light of day. It's like coming home after a long trip... yeah, like an 8 year vacation. lol

It was so strange to see the Bay Bridge again after all these years... I was here 3 years ago but no one took me to see it. :( But I saw it today! Just driving over it, knowing that I have walked that fucker several times... which is more impressive than it sounds.

I miss my baby though... even though it hasn't been that long, I miss him. On the flight (which was quick and awesome, I might add... only a few hours as opposed to the whole day) I even wrote the dude a letter. *sigh* And read his letter to me. I wish he was here with me, and I'm not quite sure how I'm gonna get through 3 weeks without him. But then, I imagine (I hope) I'll be talking to him a lot to help me get through the rough patches.

Now, seeing Laura again is fucking awesome. It's like we never stopped hanging out. And to talk about all the shit we've been through? Hilarious!! No one knows me like she does, no one has gone through half of that stuff with me. We've been cracking up since she picked me up. And oh my god... she's pregnant! Not new news, but to see it! Crazy!

So I've just talked to Mr. Firefly... *sigh* nope that's not gonna work. I'm trying to come up with a cute little nickname for him... try again. lol Anyway, I've just spoken with Richard... god I miss him. I so wish he was here. But oh, well. I've got his shirt, and now his voice on my voicemail... that'll help me sleep better. Nothing like rolling over and feeling his arms come around me... but I knew I'd have to do without for a bit when I booked the tickets. I can do it... I'm a strong woman. But I miss the kid. *sigh* And I miss Chris... and Fluff, and ET, and Toe (even if he won't let me pet him yet)... and who else? Piko, yes. Ohhhh, and Connie! lol I know that's not all of them, but those are the ones I see the most. I don't miss Bailey or Kaz just yet, but I will.

And I find out that my love, my one and only... is going to see a movie. Without ME!! *sigh* But it's with Chris, so it's cool. But it makes me wish I was the one with him... we'd be snuggling and stealing kisses in the back row. :( I'll survive it, I think.
So the L word has been said... in a couple of different languages, I might add. It's so early in the relationship for that, but I was always told when you know, you just know. Well, shit... now I have to believe it because... well... I know. :)

This kid is wonderful... and while I had a lot planned that I wanted to say, I can't. Because I'm off for a little "girl talk" with his roommate Chris. :) I love her too. lol And if he's gonna be a pain and go to work... well then, I have to find some way to amuse myself.
I've been pretty silent these past couple of days. I think I'm gonna stay that way for a bit.

I'm extremely happy. I've got an awesome guy in my life... and for once I'm going to try my best not to over analyze it. :) Some things are just simply good... this is one of those things.

I will say that this guy is almost too good to be true... he gets my jokes, can string a sentence together (artfully, no less), he's introduced me to Firefly, he doesn't push about anything, and even reminds me when it was my idea to take things slow. :) Not to mention I have yet to see him in anything but a calm state. Completely not what I'm used to.

I've got way too many thoughts going on in my head right now to even think about writing them all down... and there's no real need to. I'm happy and laughing constantly, my mind is finally getting some exercise... what more does anyone really need to know?

Jan. 3rd, 2009

Okay, amusing thing I just had to share... so sue me.

I was just asked to go have a drink with this guy I barely know. I said no, he asked why. I told him I wasn't his type (and he's not mine) and also said, I don't know you... not gonna go out with someone I don't know and haven't spoken to. Been there, done that... and I was stupid to do it. Anyway, he told me I think too much.


Can anyone sum me up that quick? It's my biggest flaw and yet my biggest asset. It amuses me that this arrogant guy that I barely had a momentary interest in has me pegged so quick.

And now, apparently since I'm from Maryland I've been brainwashed by liberals. *sigh* Men don't take no for an answer very well these days. And I'm not sure I'd call being concerned for my safety and knowing there's no point in going out with this guy being brainwashed. Definitely an amusing detour in my night.



So this is going to be a painfully honest post. Another part of my "therapy," if you will.

It's Christmas, the first Christmas that I've spent without a boyfriend since 2006. This would have been our 3rd Christmas together. Surprisingly, that doesn't hurt. There's a little sting, but not pain. It's more of a loss of a habit than anything else. There's still the random "0h, I've got to share this with Darin" thoughts but even those are fading... quite quickly actually. I had a wonderful Christmas thanks to my family and friends. I've spent a tremendous amount of time with Stephen and Lindsay and today I spent time with my family. It's quite honestly the best holiday I've had in a long long time. Every time there was a family function with Darin... well, we'd always be fighting. And he'd usually drink over there which was almost always a sore spot. This time I didn't have to worry about it. It was nice and relaxed. There wasn't any sniping, no digs, no disappointments. It was actually really nice. Just family.

And surprisingly I didn't have to field any questions about the break up. I've told my aunt what happened and my grandparents know some... I guess that was enough. No questions. I was expecting them but I was relieved not to have to go through it all yet again.

With everything that's happened this past year and my Poppy finding out that he has cancer... well, it puts it all into perspective. Life is way too short to stay somewhere where you're unhappy. So I'm happy with the way things have worked out. Poppy's surgery went well and he's recovering. His first post op appointment is tomorrow. But from what I can tell he's doing really well. I'm just afraid to find out if this has worked or not. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for the next 6 months until we find out.

Now for the painfully honest part... New Year's. I really don't care too much about the holiday but I put a lot of (retarded) significance on not being alone. I HATE being alone that night. I don't know why. But this year is going to be tremendously hard for me... especially if I'm sitting at home watching the ball drop all by my lonesome. That would seriously suck. *sigh* But I'll get through it like I get through everything else. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? A positive attitude is what I need right now... which is ironic because I'm such a cynical person.